9 April 2014

Think really hard about who you were this time last year
What scared you
What were you deepest desires
The worst feelings
The happiest, brightest moments
How strong you were
How stable you were

I was down. I was in a turbulent relationship because I looking for a fix. I was so lost. I let university define me.
The idea of travelling scared me, the idea of being alone, the idea of being seen as stupid or unimportant.
My deepest desire was to go to Paris. To see beautiful things in nature. To be a free spirit and seize every day like it was my last. I wanted to be alive and joyful.
The worst was failure. I experienced a lot of pain in rejection and even worse, when I did something awful to other people.
My happiest moments were when I took adventures. When I faced my fears. The night I swam in the ocean at 3am, when I won a debating tournament.
I was only as strong as the people around me thought I was.
I lost my balance and I wasn’t resilient. I didn’t trust myself about anything.

I haven’t changed a lot. My hair isn’t different and I still make mistakes.
I have a better sense of who I am and I accept it. I acknowledge that I have been through hard times and I survived.
I tuck myself into bed at night and put on my socks. I tell myself we will figure it out, because we always do.

And I do.

18 March 2014

When I was at the airport leaving to New Zealand alone I cried. The kind of crying you can’t hold back. I just felt miserable and I really did not want to leave my Mum. I just felt this deep misery. Getting on that flight was the best decision of my life.

I am so afraid because I know how lucky I am. I have so much here in Sydney. The night before I left I went out with my friends in Balmain. I watched the sun set from the balcony of a pub and I laughed so hard with my friends. It was such a beautiful night. I have so much here at home. I don’t want to sound conceded (I’ve started every sentence with “I”, lets face it I am conceded), but I am an attractive, smart, young woman. I have everything. I have a job and I am healthy. I don’t want to risk my life.

 

The thing is, staying in Sydney has it’s own risks, having this opportunity to follow my dreams should not be wasted. I owe it to everyone who loves me and to myself to take risks and push myself to be better. Anyone who knows me knows that I am obsessed with Audrey Hepburn and all of her movies. It has been my dream almost all my life to visit Paris like she does in all my favourite movies. I have been wanting to go to Europe for the longest time. This is an opportunity, an exciting new development not a scary risk. 

 

When I was in New Zealand I kept think why didn’t I do this sooner? All those times I chickened out! 

 

I want the fear to subside. 

 

I hope wherever you are braver than I am.

Love

Z

February 20

Pre-vision board reflection

Where I am at right now? I am happy but I don’t feel like I am living up to my potential. I am taking a break from university and studying law for 3 years. I am travelling to Europe. I have a fantastic group of friends but I don’t think they make me happy. I am living at home with my parents. I struggle to get along with my Dad. Both my parents and myself are experiencing financial problems.

When do I feel sad? I feel sad when I think about things in my life staying the same. When I think about the last five years or more of my life as me going through the same ups and downs because of the same reasons. I also feel sad when I am rejected by guys in general. When I feel alone romantically. 

What is stopping me from the life I want? Fear. Self-doubt and a lack of confidence. Beauty. Social skills. Motivation. 

 

 

February 19

When I was 13 I read this on a popular girl’s About Me on My Space:-

“Sometimes I microwave half way so some parts of the milk are hot and others are cold. It reminds me that life isn’t perfect”.

I thought this was incredibly insightful and sometimes I would even make milk like this and reflect on life (while watching Saddle Club). But in all seriousness, this has kind of been my motto lately, not the milk thing but something close to it.

I’ve realised that my dreams in life are things I haven’t even thought of yet. I will go places and achieve accomplishments if I work harder and push myself, but I can never predict what the challenges will be and what the results will feel like. I know I just can’t predict who I will be in 5 years. I give up on trying to find a particular man or have a particular life. I don’t yet know what is best for myself, even if I think I might.

Life is imperfectly perfect (forgive the cliche). Just like with travel you have to expect that things will get in your way and problems will arise. I believe in divine timing and that every little event help guides you down the right path. It won’t feel right at times but you have to have faith that it is right.

“Every bad thing that has happened to me has led to the greatest thing that has happened to me. But I didn’t know it at the time, I was young.”
Michael Moore

P.S today I booked in my France/Italy trip, best feeling! So excited!

February 18

It is scary how you can talk yourself into things.

He is gorgeous, he is kind, he doesn’t do drugs, he studies what you study, he is my friend. He likes you.
I love him.

I have to be honest with myself. Take a deep breath and breathe out. How do you really feel? I just don’t like him.

I hate being honest with myself. I just want to be reckless like I have for the past few months but I end up getting hurt. I am not a reckless person and I know that good things take time and your instincts usually tell you it is right.

But then my instincts have been so wrong so many times. He is perfect for me and I think I blew it. Maybe that’s why I need him now.

February 17

It is time to start taking responsibility for my life. I made a timetable for the week. I am going to do a new gym class every night. Tonight I went to a spin class and left half way through. I feel so ashamed and embarrassed. It was just so uncomfortable. I felt dizzy and like I almost had motion sickness from all the bikes spinning and the mirrors and the getting up and down. It was just uncomfortable and i didn’t know what she was talking about.

Ugh, why Zita! Never quit!

I hope you are proud of yourself tonight.

Love
Z

February 15

Sometimes I can just feel Jesus pushing me through doors, to open doors, to shut doors or to walk further and move on,

It is so hard to have faith, but there is a rare occasion where I can feel God around me like a big beam of light radiating from my heart. I can feel a warm blanket wrapped around my heart and all the dots join and all the pain settles into my heart. I know for sure that everything is as it should be.

I hope wherever you are you feel as if everything has happened for a reason.

Love 

Z